Autopilot Sex: When Intimacy Becomes a Chore
Autopilot Sex: When Intimacy Becomes a Chore
Written By: Shaundtrya Ganasan, Licensed Counselor (KB11097)
Autopilot sex? What is it, and how can I make it more fulfilling?
Let’s be transparent - no one actually sets out to have a relationship that makes sex feel like any other chores, like drying clothes, paying bills or cleaning. But somewhere, as life goes on, the fireworks of a first date tend to fade into the tenth year of shared responsibilities. Sex can gradually, without any notice, change from something you look forward to something you need to check off.
If you could relate, then welcome to the world of “Autopilot Sex”. A new venture where candles are collecting dust, innerwear is more to “function” than “fashion”, and sometimes you hear yourself saying “Let’s just get done with this.”
If you have been there or are there now, remember, you may not be alone. And the good news is, you don’t have to stay there.
What is “Sex on Autopilot”?
Now imagine this: It’s a Saturday night, you've had your dinner and are watching some Netflix while in bed. Your partner reaches over with that “look” and you give them a “sigh”. Like a programmed robot, you may roll over to get done with the “thing”. You may also wonder whether the cake is still in the fridge.
Autopilot sex is not just about going through motions, but it is about the loss of emotional presence, desire, and heartfelt connection. It’s about having sex rather than making love. It’s when intimacy sounds like a chore, not a shared moment. You’re doing it maybe because you should, not because you want it.
Signs You’re Having Autopilot Sex
- You’re thinking about chores mid-thrust.
- There is a lack of any play - foreplay or afterplay.
- You respond out of obligation - not desire.
- You are just doing the same position as they work, and trying new things seems to be tiring.
- Sex becomes more of a predictable routine.
- The words change from “I want you” to “we should have sex”.
How Did We Get Here?
The Busyness Epidemic
Between work, commitments, kids running around and that laundry that you pretend does not exist - life happens. And let’s be honest, sometimes the idea of having sex feels like another “task” on the never-ending chores list.
Routine Over Romance
Remember the spontaneous drive or the time you seduced each other with food? Yeah, but now it’s “Friday, 10.00 pm, let’s make it quick, we have our child’s sports day.” The spark isn’t dead, it’s buried alive under adulting or possibly under your unfolded clothes.
Performance Pressure
Sometimes, sex isn’t about “doing it right” but about “feeling it.” It eventually becomes a silent checklist: Did they also finish? Did I last long? Do I look bad? Did I actually turn the hall light off? This pressure to perform slowly kills the mood faster than a bullet train.
Emotional Disconnection
Sex is often a way to enhance emotional closeness. When communication drops, affection stale, or resentment starts to bubble, sex can become more detached. You’re touching bodies, yet the hearts are in separate rooms.
Physical or Emotional Burnout
Let's not forget the role stress or hormones play in your sexual life. When survival mode barges in, it does not care about seduction or foreplay. It just wants a horror movie with a snack and a nap after that. So the faster you’re done, the quicker you get to your paradise of alone time.
Why This Matters?
Physical intimacy isn’t just about doing the act, but it is a language of vulnerability, safety and connection that brings fulfilment. When it becomes autopilot sex, it reflects deeper concerns like avoidance, resentment, disconnection or distance.
So let’s be honest, no one dreams of a love that includes sex as an obligation that is followed by awkward shoulder pats afterwards.
How to Reignite the Connection (Without Expensive Lingerie or Holiday)?
Talk About It - Without Making It Weird
Yes, this might feel awkward, but hey, let’s be honest, you guys have already done more weird things together, like squeezing pimples or debating the right way to hand towels. You can also talk about your sex life.
Start with something more gentle, like,
”Did you realise we are kind of on autopilot lately?”
Make it like a conversation rather than a complaint. The goal here is to be a team, not individual players.
Prioritise Foreplay - Not Just in Bed
Foreplay doesn’t only start before sex; it’s about the real talk. It begins when you randomly text them at 4 PM, “I am thinking about your…” or give your partner a massage without any expectation that it will lead somewhere.
Emotional connection throughout the day ignites physical intimacy at night. So what are you waiting for? Go flirt, be a tease and compliment. Maybe grab their thigh while they’re cooking.
Schedule Sex - Yes!
Although we know it sounds unsexy or exciting. But hear me out, you schedule gym sessions, appointments and meetings. Isn’t your intimacy just as important?
Scheduling sex does not kill the desire, but it protects it from being engulfed by chaos in life. It also builds anticipation. Note: You can always change the time, not the intention behind it.
Break the Routine
Try something new, even when it is a small change: a new playlist, games, different room lighting or shared kinks. Sometimes changing just one thing is enough to reignite your brain out of autopilot mode to electric mode.
Need assistance to be creative and fun? Just ask each other, be silly.
“If we could create a carefree night of intimacy with no pressure, what would it look like?”
Move from there. Snacks can be an added bonus. *Food is definitely the way to the heart*.
Do the “Non-Sexual Touch” Challenge
For a week or a couple of days, focus only on touching each other without the intention of having sex. Cuddle on the couch, back hug while cooking, hold hands or just hug longer.
When physical touch is not about performance or pressure, it will begin to be about connection, your desire that left the chat will return more organically.
Laugh About It
Sex is not to be done with a serious face. It should be fun. Let the bodies make noises, and positions may not always work. It’s okay to laugh in between. In fact, couples who enjoy and laugh during intimate moments are more likely to stay connected and enjoy the process.
So let’s giggle through awkwardness. Humour is one significant foreplay that no one talks about.
When It’s Deeper Than Just a Dry Spell
If you are very disconnected or shut down sexually, it might be the right time to talk to a certified therapist, be it individually or as a couple. Sometimes the issue may not stem from sex alone; it could be unacknowledged resentment, past scars, or the way you communicate outside the bedroom.
Sex is never only physical. It is where your relationship dynamics show up most clearly.
Let’s Build “Can’t Wait to See You Tonight”
Every relationship goes through its dry well moments over time. That is normal. But what matters is whether you move with acceptance of the dull, autopilot cycle or decide to reignite what once made you feel electric.
You don’t have to become a sex god or turn into some erotic movie characters. You just need to want each other again and again.
Because at the end of the day, the aim is not perfect sex, it is all about connected sex. The kind where you feel seen, playful, vulnerable and present.
So stop just going with the stagnant slow.
Touch like you mean it.
Laugh your heart out.
And every now and then, leave the dishes and make out on the kitchen floor.
Wink!
If you’re looking for a therapist in Kota Damansara or Ipoh area, you can click here for more information.
If you enjoyed reading this, why not broaden your knowledge by learning about "Losing Spark: Secrets to Reignite Passion in Your Relationship"? You can read the blog here.
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