Authentic Self Finding: In Times of Stress & Change
Authentic Self Finding: In Times of Stress & Change
Written by Jenefa Anthony KB 11780
Stress and change have a way of stripping everything down to the essentials. The routines, roles, and distractions that normally shape our lives fall away or get disrupted. We frequently have to confront the painful but important question, "Who am I, really?" during these times when everything seems uncertain.
The idea of the “authentic self” isn’t just a pop psychology buzzword. It’s backed by decades of research in identity, personality, and self-determination theory. When people are connected to their authentic self, they report greater life satisfaction, stronger relationships, and better mental health outcomes (Sheldon et al., 1997; Kernis & Goldman, 2006). But the road to that self isn’t always obvious, especially during times of stress, transition, or crisis.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with relationship or mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
What Is the “Authentic Self,” Actually?
Let’s start by clarifying what it means to be authentic. It’s not about being brutally honest all the time or airing every thought you have. It’s about living in alignment with your core values, beliefs, and personality, even when external pressures pull you in different directions.
Authenticity is also the unhindered operation of one's true self in one's daily life, according to psychologists Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman (Kernis & Goldman, 2006). It involves four key elements:
1) Self-awareness: knowing your values, emotions, and motivations.
2) Unbiased processing: being honest with yourself, including about your flaws.
3) Behaviour congruent with your values: walking your talk.
4) Relational openness: being genuine with others, not just performing roles.
When these pieces fall into place, life feels more coherent. But most of us don’t live that way all the time, and stress makes it even harder.
How Stress and Change Disrupt Identity?
Stressful life events like moving to a new city, losing a job, going through a breakup, and becoming a parent can also create what psychologists call identity disequilibrium. That’s a fancy way of saying, “What used to make sense no longer does.”
According to Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development (Erikson, 1950), identity isn’t something we find once and hold onto forever. It evolves, often through crises. These crises aren’t always dramatic; they can be subtle shifts in what matters to us or changes in how we see the world. But they all pose the same question, “Does the way I’m living still match who I am?”
Under pressure, many people fall into “false self” behaviours, basically, playing roles to meet expectations or avoid conflict. You might keep saying yes to things you hate, fake optimism, or pretend to be someone you’re not just to survive. In the short term, that works. In the long run, it leads to burnout, anxiety, and feeling emotionally disconnected.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with relationship or mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
Why Hard Times Can Lead to Real Growth?
However, contrary to popular belief, struggle often helps in clarifying who you are. Stressful events force you to re-evaluate priorities, shed what’s not working, and reclaim what matters most. This process is called post-traumatic growth, something well documented in psychological research (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004).
Here’s how it happens:
Loss of structure reveals true needs. When your routine is broken, you notice what you actually miss and what you don’t. That tells you a lot about what matters.
Forced reflection increases self-awareness. Major changes often leave you questioning what you’re doing with your life. That’s uncomfortable but necessary.
Limits create clarity. You can’t do it all during high-stress times. So you prioritise. Those decisions reveal your true values.
Vulnerability connects you to others. When life gets real, masks come off. You’re more likely to form deep, meaningful connections, one of the best mirrors for your authentic self.
Signs You’re Not Living Authentically
Let’s make this concrete. If you’re not in touch with your authentic self, you might notice:
· Feeling drained or restless, even when life looks “fine” on paper
· Frequently doing things out of obligation, not interest
· Numbing out with distractions (scrolling, drinking, overworking)
· Saying things you don’t really believe, just to keep the peace
· Feeling like you’re watching your own life instead of living it
These aren’t signs of failure. They’re signals that your inner compass needs a reset.
How to Reconnect with Your Authentic Self?
You don’t have to drop everything and reinvent your life. Finding your real self is a gradual process of tuning in and adjusting. Here are some steps grounded in psychological research and real-world practice:
Slow Down and Listen
When you’re constantly reacting to stress, there’s no space to hear your inner voice. Start small. Even 10 minutes a day of quiet journaling, walking, or sitting without distraction can help you reconnect.
Ask: What do I need right now? What do I really want to say?
This kind of mindfulness has been shown to increase self-awareness and authenticity (Brown & Ryan, 2003).
Clarify Your Values
Values are the backbone of authenticity. But most people haven’t consciously defined theirs. Take time to identify your top five core values (e.g., honesty, creativity, connection, independence, growth). Then look at your life and ask:
Am I living in a way that reflects these values? Where am I compromising?
Research shows that even small daily acts aligned with your values can boost well-being (Collins et al., 2024).
Notice Your “Shoulds”
Whenever you hear yourself thinking, “ I should do this,” pause. Is that “should” coming from you or from societal expectations, family scripts, or fear?
Replace “should” with “want” or “choose.” You might find that the desire isn’t there and that’s worth listening to.
Start Small Acts of Courage
Living authentically doesn’t always mean big moves. It might be as simple as saying no to something that drains you or sharing an honest opinion. Over time, these small acts build a stronger connection to your true self.
Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000) emphasises autonomy as a basic psychological need. Each choice you make from a place of personal agency strengthens that need and your authenticity.
Talk to People Who Understand It
Authenticity grows in relationships. Find people who let you be real, who don’t flinch when you drop the mask. Whether it’s a friend, support group, or therapist, being seen as you are reinforces that it’s safe to show up fully.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with relationship or mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
The Authentic Self Isn’t Fixed? That’s Good!
One of the biggest myths about authenticity is that there’s a single, unchanging “real you” waiting to be uncovered. In truth, the authentic self is fluid. It evolves as you grow, learn, and change.
Think of it like a compass, not a destination. Your values and core traits guide you, but how you express them will shift over time. That’s not inauthentic, but human.
Final Thoughts
Stress and change aren’t just disruptions to endure. They’re invitations. When life shakes you up, it’s often giving you a chance to strip away what’s false and reconnect with what’s true.
There is no compulsion in having all the answers right away. Just start by listening more closely to your gut, questioning the scripts you’ve inherited, and making one small choice each day that feels a little more like you.
Because in the end, authenticity isn’t a luxury, it’s a psychological need. And the more you live in alignment with your real self, the more resilient, fulfilled, and connected you’ll feel, especially when life gets tough.
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If you enjoyed reading this, why not broaden the horizon of knowledge by learning about "Feeling Lost: How I Found A Way Back"? You can read the blog here.
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