Familiarity: Finding Comfort in Chaos

Familiarity: Finding Comfort in Chaos

Written By: Shaundtrya Ganasan, Licensed Counselor (KB11097)

Have you found yourself returning to similar patterns?

Do you want to break free but end up repeating the same patterns?

This is known as being attracted to ‘familiarity’.

Familiarity; humans are living beings of habit. We often gravitate or pull towards what we know, although it’s not in our best interest. This is because familiarity gives you a sense of security as it is a predictable certainty. It also gives you a sense of control, making you feel that you know the key to navigating your turmoil better with known patterns.

Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!

The Story of Moth

Imagine a moth unable to resist the warmth and familiar glow of a flame, ended up being drawn to the same flame despite the fact it may get burned. The flame represents your past, deeply ingrained patterns, which pulls the moth, which is you to find comfort and safety in what it knows. Each magnetic pull towards the flickering flame is like a return home to something strangely comforting and most importantly known. This shows the powerful pull of familiarity in us although it could cause potential harm and drawbacks.

Familiarity although most of the time it is unhealthy, can be a comforting known way of reacting towards life experiences rather than venturing into unknowns of stability which brings a lot of uncertainties. As a therapist, I encounter many individuals who find solace in familiar patterns of unhealthy cycles, despite the turmoil they go through. Let us further explore ‘familiarity’ and how it often manifests itself in our attachment styles and relationships with others.

Unveiling the Roots of Finding Comfort in Chaos

Inner Child Role

Inner child refers to the past you, holding onto old feelings and behaviours. When something happens that reminds you of those old times, your inner child takes over, and you react the same way you did back then.

For instance, as a child, if you were exposed to unpredictability, chaos or anger, you might unconsciously recreate or attract these patterns as growing up as they feel familiar. Your inner child might believe chaos is normal and how things are supposed to be. Thus, although conscious you desire peace, subconsciously you might steer towards inconsistent, chaotic situations that mimic your past life experiences.

Intergenerational Trauma

Sometimes the root of our triggers or pain can be deeper than we assume. More than the present, it could be from the past. It could be due to the intergenerational trauma that we carry. Intergenerational trauma is the adverse experiences and events that are passed through the generational lane. It could be passed in both complex and subtle ways. This past trauma can influence your responses to stressors and relationships, continuing the loop of chaos.

For instance, if instability, trauma, chaos, and emotional unavailability were significant among your ancestors, these patterns can be highly likely passed down too if no efforts were made to break or heal the loop. Generational trauma is not only about direct experiences. It is also about the emotional responses and coping skills that are passed, sculpting deeply rooted behavioural patterns across generations.

Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!

Manifestations in Relationships

Inner Child Wounds

Inner child wounds can manifest themselves through our patterns with others. Below are some of the signs of inner child wounds:

Perfectionism - You strive to gain approval by meeting unattainable standards or being hard on yourself. This is to compensate for the feelings of ‘not good enough’ or seek validation to fill your void.  

Fear of Abandonment - You tend to fear being left alone or clinging to loved ones, especially your partner. This may stem from early life neglect or inconsistent love; creating separation anxiety.

Emotional Reactivity - You tend to overreact to minor conflicts or stress, which may be due to heightened sensitivity built from unmet emotional needs and/or unresolved childhood/past baggage.

People-Pleasing - You may prioritize the needs of others over you to seek approval or to avoid conflict. This may be developed as a survival means through chaotic family environment to maintain peace and ensure emotional or physical safety.

Attachment Styles

Your early relationships with parents or caregivers can influence your attachment styles which also indirectly shape your adult relationships. A chaotic upbringing may develop you into an anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment-style person. You may seek comfort in relationships that mirror early life experiences, continuing your loop of chaos. The familiarity, although unhealthy, may provide you with comfort rather than exploring unknown lands of healthier relationships. Below are the primary attachment styles:

Secure Attachment - When you have consistent and emotionally responsive caregivers, it provides you with a steady base to trust relationships and be comfortable with intimacy; creating a secure attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment - When your caregivers suppress you from emotional expression, it makes you feel closeness is unsafe; creating an avoidant attachment style who struggles with intimacy and prefers emotional distance.

Anxious Attachment - When your caregivers are inconsistent, it ingrains you with a fear of abandonment as you may believe love may be taken away unpredictably; creating an anxious attachment style that needs constant reassurance.

Disorganized Attachment - When your caregivers are your source of both comfort and fear, it shapes you into erratic and confusing relationship behaviours; creating disorganized attachment styles which is a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviours.

Relationship Patterns

If you find comfort in familiar chaos, you may manifest certain relationship patterns as below:

Attracted to Unavailable Partners - You may also seek emotionally unavailable partners to recreate familiar feelings of abandonment or neglect. This pattern is rooted in the unconscious yearning to heal your past or inner child “wounds” by “winning over” an unresponsive partner.

Frequent Conflicts - Experiencing emotional roller-coasters and constant arguments can feel normal due to familiarity. Thus, these conflicts can be a part of daily life and addiction, further making calm interactions appear unfamiliar and dull.

On-Off Relationships - When you are brought up in unpredictability, you tend to mirror the past experience by breaking up and getting back together. This loop creates a familiar narrative of the chaos that you may have gone through in the past.

Self-Sabotage - Familiarity may also push you to unconsciously undermine relationships to maintain the loop of chaos. This includes distancing yourself emotionally, creating insignificant conflicts, or pushing your partner away when things gradually start to stabilize or feel secure.

Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!

Ending the Cycle: Practical Steps Forward

Self-Awareness & Reflection

The crucial step to breaking the cycle of familiarity is to reflect and be aware. Addressing and reflecting on past patterns helps you to understand the origins of your behaviours. This further guides you to make conscious decisions that gradually steer you from unhealthy familiar patterns. You can gain better self-insights through journaling, meditation or practising mindfulness.

Inner Child Work

Reconnecting with your inner child helps you to acknowledge and heal the wounded parts of yourself. This rewires our inner child’s belief system and reduces the need to find comfort in familiarity. Below are some ways you can connect with your inner child:

Creative Expression - Utilize art, play or writing to connect, express and heal your suppressed or unhealed childhood emotions. Engage in activities which your inner child would enjoy, it could be as simple as sipping a cup of hot chocolate while looking at the sky or building Lego. This guides you to reconnect with your lost or buried sense of creativity and joy due to past chaos.

Self-Compassion - Embrace yourself with the compassion and understanding you yearned for and needed as a child back then. Acknowledge your present struggles may be rooted in the unhealed past and you deserve kindness to heal.

Therapy - You can explore the depths of your inner child's wounds with a trained professional therapist. A therapist would guide you to understand your patterns and develop more personalized interventions to break from the cycle of familiarity and healing.

Inner Child Meditation - Visualize your younger version and provide them with the reassurance and comfort needed. Allow them to express themselves. Let them cry, wail, grieve, hug, and be angry if they want to. It allows them to release pent-up emotions. This can guide you to address unmet needs and offer the nurturing you might have been missing during your early years.

Note: Visualization can be a powerful tool to be utilized to connect with your inner child. It is strongly recommended to start your visualization journey with a trained therapist. 

Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!

Seek Stable Relationships

It is also essential to surround yourself with people who cater to support and stability. Look for relationships that provide you with mutual respect and consistency instead of unpredictable chaos and drama. Connection with secure attachment people can provide you with a model for healthier connections and navigate you to build a new and more stable relationship framework.

Addressing Intergenerational Trauma

Healing from generational trauma can also break you free from the loop of familiarity. Below are some ways to address your generational trauma:

Acknowledge the Past - Understanding and accepting the trauma experienced by ancestors is the initial step in breaking the loop and preventing its continuation.

Break the Silence - It is crucial to have a transparent discussion of family history and trauma to gradually break the loop of secrecy. Transparency regarding past traumas can further enhance healing and lessen the stigmas tied to these experiences.

Create New Narratives - Develop healthier, new coping strategies which digger from those of the previous generations. By consciously choosing healthy alternative actions or behaviours, you can sculpt a new foundation of emotional well-being and healing.

Setting Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is significant in breaking the loop of familiarity. Practice saying no when needed to prioritize your well-being as well. These boundaries can help you create a new and healthier sense of stability and predictable, certainty in life. They also take up the role of a protective barrier from familiar chaos; allowing you to sculpt a balanced surroundings.

Build Support Network

Start surrounding yourself with understanding and supportive loved ones who foster your personal growth. This supportive network can provide you with realistic and healthy assistance during tough times, offer needed validation, and reduce your feelings of isolation. Being exposed to healthier people helps you to break free from being attracted to unhealthy familiarity with people.

Illuminating Change: Therapy’s Role in Breaking Familiar Cycles

Therapy can be a guiding light that helps you to navigate through familiarity and learn to break free healthily. Here are some ways therapy can be beneficial:

Identifying Patterns

A professional therapist can guide you in exploring and addressing your behavioural patterns in relationships. By bringing the unconscious to the conscious, you can consciously acknowledge and alter them.

Processing Trauma

Therapy also provides you with a safe and confidential space to explore and heal from unhealthy past patterns. Processing and untangling this baggage can reduce its weight on your present emotional and behavioural responses.

Developing Healthier Copings

Through therapy, you can learn healthier coping to deal with your stressors. These coping skills can be a replacement for your unhealthy coping and provide you with effective tools to manage life’s challenges in a better manner without the influence of unhealthy familiar patterns.

Building Secure Attachment

In therapy, a professional therapist navigates you to understand your attachment styles and build a more secure attachment. When you learn and experience how secure attachment feels like, you will start to apply that in other areas of your life.

Conclusion

In short, being attracted and attached to familiar chaos is common any many of us and a challenging pattern to break. It is also crucial to acknowledge the underlying such as generational trauma and inner child wounds’ influence. Understanding these patterns manifest in your attachment styles and relationship patterns navigates you to have better self-awareness and take proactive moves to build healthier dynamics.

Therapy plays a significant role in this healing journey by offering you insights and tools to break free from generational trauma and heal inner child issues that often lead towards familiarity; enhancing personal growth and breaking the loop of chaos.

With conscious and consistent efforts, you will gradually learn to embrace and find comfort in stability and peace over chaos; sculpting a more fulfilling journey ahead. Just like a snake sheds its’ skin to a newer one, breaking from familiarity is a transformative process that brings you towards the path of emotional well-being, healthier relationships with others and self, and a calmer future.

“Heal to experience what the real healthy feels like”.

Shaundtrya Ganasan, Licensed Counselor (KB11097)

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If you enjoyed reading this, why not broaden the horizon of knowledge by learning about "Therapy Tips and Preparation: Overcoming Anxiety"? You can read the blog here.

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