Relationship Deja Vu: How to Rewrite the Parental Script in Your Love Life
Relationship Deja Vu: How to Rewrite the Parental Script in Your Love Life
Written By: Shaundtrya Ganasan, Licensed Counselor (KB11097)
Do your partner remind you of your parents?
Do you feel reliving your childhood patterns with your partner?
Then you may be trapped in a loop of attracting familiarity.
Relationship, especially romantic ones can have a lot to say about you. We often get drawn to people who reflect our past, especially those with our parents. Whether it’s through consciousness or subconsciousness, we find ourselves in relationships whereby our partner reminds us of our parents - be it through their love language, communication styles, behaviours, or even conflict management. This phenomenon can be both comforting and deeply unsettling as well, depending on the relationship dynamics involved. But if the patterns are unhealthy, the cycle can become a distressing source.
In this article, let us further explore why some of us end up in relationships whereby our partner echos our parental behaviours, how these patterns manifest, and - most significantly - how to work on breaking this loop for a more healthy and fulfilling partnership.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with relationship-related or mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
Why Drawn to Familiarity?
The Impact of Attachment Styles
The relationship you share with your parents or caregivers during early childhood can significantly impact the type of relationships you seek as an adult. If your parents are emotionally available and nurturing, you tend to form secure attachments in your relationships. However, if your parents were critical, distant or controlling, you may gravitate toward a partner who manifests similar behaviours. This repetition may feel like a comforting familiarity, although it can be damaging, as it mirrors your early life experiences.
The Need for Resolution
On a deeper unconscious level, you may also seek a partner who reminds you of your parents to “fix” the unresolved issues from your childhood. For instance, if you had a very critical parent, you may choose a partner who possesses similar traits or personality, with the hope that this time, you will finally have the affection or validation that was lacking in your childhood. Unfortunately, this rarely works out and instead, it can further trigger old wounds.
Generational Patterns
In some cases, your repetition of parental dynamics can also root from generational trauma. Relationship patterns, coping mechanisms and behaviours can be passed down through the generational lane unconsciously. Without self-realization and proper strategies to break these cycles, these patterns would diffuse through your relationships, creating a repetitive loop that feels almost impossible to escape or break free from.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with relationship-related or mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
Common Ways Your Relationship Echos Parents
Emotional Unavailability
If one or both of your parents were distant emotionally, you may find yourself being drawn towards someone who has difficulty expressing and verbalizing their emotions or connecting with you in an intimate level. Although this may seem to be normal to you, it can lead towards feeling a sense of loneliness and emotional void over time.
Control & Dominance
Partners who manifest controlling behaviours in relationships often mimic the dynamic of a controlling parent. This often shows up in subtle ways - like constantly making decisions on your behalf, limiting our freedom to be independent. These patterns of control also stem from unresolved childhood wounds whereby you may have learned to associate love with compliance.
Criticism & High Expectations
If you have parents who set very high unrealistic expectations or standards of achievement and are constantly being criticized, you may have been unconsciously taught to seek validation or approval through perfectionism. As a result, you may find yourself being in a relationship with a partner who is overly critical or demanding - echoing your early life experiences and dynamics with your parents.
How These Patterns Harm Relationships
Erosion of Self-Esteem
When your partner’s behavioural pattern mirrors your unhealthy parental dynamics, it can gradually erode your sense of worthiness. You may be finding yourself reverting to old copings, although unhealthy but worked in the past - be it through shutting down emotionally or people-pleasing - to prevent disapproval or further conflicts. Over time, this can lead to imbalanced relationship dynamics whereby, you are often self-conscious, finding it tough to relax and feel like walking on eggshells.
Lack of Growth
The repetition of old patterns with your partner can prevent both personal and relationship growth. Instead of working through the conflicts with new, healthier approaches, you may find yourself being stuck in a cycle of familiarity. This not only stagnates your relationship but can also suppress your personal emotional growth as well.
Emotional Exhaustion
Being in a relationship where you are constantly trying to meet and maintain impossible standards or seeking emotional validation that is not easy to get, can be exhausting. These patterns can drain you emotionally; making you find it tough to enjoy little positive aspects of your relationship or engage in self-care routines.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with relationship-related or mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
Breaking the Cycle: How to Work on It
Increase Self-Awareness
The initial step that can be taken to break these repeating patterns is to identify and address them. You can start by reflecting on the relationship you share with your parents and your childhood. Were there any specific behaviours or patterns that were challenging and emotionally exhausting for you? Once you have recognized them, reflect on how these patterns may be showing up in your romantic relationships.
Open Communication
Once you reflect and gain some insights and clarity on these patterns, have a transparent and honest conversation with your partner. Be mindful about using “I” statements to prevent them from sounding accusatory. For instance, “I have noticed when you shout instead of talking, it reminds me of how my father acted, making me feel lost and alone”. This opens a space for heart-to-heart conversation without putting your partner in a defensive mode.
Seek Professional Assistance
Working along with a therapist, be it through individual or couple sessions - can be highly effective and beneficial to gradually break free from old patterns. A trained, professional therapist can navigate you to explore and untangle the depths of your emotions tied to your past and provide you with effective tools to navigate your relationship healthily. This is crucial, especially if generational trauma plays a role. Your therapist would guide you to break these deep-rooted cycles and wounds.
Set Boundaries
If your partner’s behaviours or patterns are triggering your past wounds, it is important to set clear boundaries. For instance, if your partner tends to be highly critical like your parents, you can start by setting a boundary by saying “I feel hurt when you criticize me in that manner. Can we start working on communicating it in a more supportive manner?”. Establishing boundaries shows that you are providing yourself with respect and love and expect the same from your partner.
Heal Your Inner Child
Oftentimes, the repetition of parental patterns rooted from unhealed inner child wounds. By focusing on your inner child healing, you can work through the past pain and nurture yourself in ways that your parents could not have been able to. Practice creative expressions - journaling, drawing, artwork - or practice mindfulness or visualizations that help you reconnect with your inner child and nurture it with the love and validation you did not receive in the past.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with relationship-related or mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
Cultivate Emotional Resilience
Building emotional resilience is essential, especially when it comes to breaking these deeply-seated ingrained patterns. This involved developing healthier coping, learning emotional regulations and practising self-compassion. When you strengthen your emotional resilience, you become less susceptible to falling back to old dynamics when difficult moments arise.
Celebrate Small Wins
Breaking free from these patterns that you carry for years doesn’t happen overnight and it is okay to take it slow at your own pace and time. Celebrate those small wins and milestones that come along the way. It could be a small victory like being able to identify a pattern or trigger earlier than before, or when you successfully set a small boundary for the first time. Each step forward is a sign of healing and progress.
Conclusion
In short, your partner reminding you of your parents can be both comforting and painful. When your parental dynamics used to be traumatic or negative, they can create a repetitive loop of unhealthy behaviours in your romantic relationship. Addressing these patterns is the heart of healing and breaking free from them as well. Through self-awareness, professional assistance, communication and personal commitment to healing, it is possible to transform these unconscious patterns into conscious choices to build more healthy relationships.
Breaking the cycle is not easy, but definitely the key to building a partnership that works on the foundation of understanding, love and mutual respect - not the one that echoes your past.
“Let us build a partnership that feels like the home you yearned to have”.
Shaundtrya Ganasan, Licensed Counselor (KB11097)
If you’re looking for a therapist in Kota Damansara or Ipoh area, you can click here for more information.
If you enjoyed reading this, why not broaden the horizon of knowledge by learning about "Familiarity: Finding Comfort in Chaos"? You can read the blog here.
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