People Pleasing: The Psychology Behind & How to Overcome it
People Pleasing: The Psychology Behind & How to Overcome it
Written By: Thiviyah Ravichandran, Clinical Psychologist (MAHPC(CP)00620)
“I just don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
How many times have you caught yourself saying this quietly? Almost as if it justifies the knot in your stomach? You smile, agree to something you don’t want, and tell yourself, “It’s not a big deal.”
But later that night, you feel drained, frustrated, and oddly invisible. You wonder, “Why can’t I just say no?”
If that feels familiar, you’re not alone.
Welcome to the world of people pleasing, where the fear of letting others down often overshadows your own needs.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
The Hidden Psychology Behind People Pleasing
At first glance, people pleasing looks like pure kindness. You’re helpful, dependable, and thoughtful. You make others feel seen, heard, and cared for. These are beautiful traits until they come at the cost of yourself.
People pleasing is rarely just about wanting to be nice. It’s about wanting to feel safe. Deep down, it’s driven by an emotional pattern that says:
“If others are happy with me, I’m safe. If they’re upset, I’m in danger.”
That fear doesn’t appear out of nowhere. For many, it begins in childhood, especially in homes where love felt conditional, where approval was earned through good behaviour, quietness, or obedience. Maybe you learned early that staying calm, helpful, or agreeable prevented conflict. Maybe you became the “peacemaker,” the “good child,” or the one who “never caused trouble.”
Over time, your brain linked peace with people pleasing.
And that habit didn’t fade as you grew older. It just evolved.
What’s Really Happening Inside a People Pleaser’s Mind
When you agree to something you don’t want to do, your brain gets a quick hit of relief. That relief feels like safety- no conflict, no disapproval. In psychological terms, it’s a short-term coping mechanism.
But there’s a catch.
Each time you say “yes” when you want to say “no,” your subconscious learns that suppressing your needs keeps you safe. Over time, your true self becomes quieter, more hesitant, and uncertain about what it truly wants.
People pleasing often comes from a blend of:
Identity confusion: “If I’m not helping others, who am I?”
Fear of rejection: “If I disappoint them, they’ll leave.”
Fear of conflict: “If I say no, they’ll get angry.”
Low self-worth: “My needs don’t matter as much as theirs.”
It’s not about weakness. It’s about protection. You were simply trying to survive in a world that once made your “no” unsafe.
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
The Emotional Toll No One Talks About
At first, people pleasing can feel rewarding. You’re liked, appreciated, and even admired. But as time goes on, something shifts.
You begin to feel:
Disconnected. You’ve been so focused on others, you’ve lost touch with yourself.
Emotionally exhausted. Always on alert, anticipating others’ needs.
Invisible. People love what you do, not who you are.
Resentful. You give so much, yet feel unseen or unappreciated.
And perhaps most painful of all -when you finally try to assert a boundary, people get shocked or even upset. Because they’ve grown used to your endless yes.
That’s when the realization hits: pleasing others has never truly protected you. It has only hidden you.
The Turning Point: Understanding Boundaries as Self-Respect
Learning to stop people pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or selfish. It’s about learning that your needs deserve a seat at the same table.
Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re doors. They don’t push people out. They teach others where you begin and end.
You can still be kind, generous, and loving, but with clarity.
When you start setting boundaries, you’re not saying, “I don’t care.”
You’re saying, “I care about myself too.”
Practical Ways to Start Reclaiming Your Voice
Here are a few grounded, real-world steps to begin your shift from pleasing to being:
1. Notice Your Automatic “Yes.”
The next time someone asks for your time or help, pause before responding.
Ask yourself:
-Do I want to do this, or do I feel I should?
-What would I lose by saying no? What would I gain by being honest? This pause helps break the habit loop of automatic compliance.
2. Make Peace with Discomfort.
The first few “no’s” will feel uncomfortable. Maybe even guilt-inducing. That’s okay. Discomfort is a sign that you’re unlearning something old, not that you’re doing something wrong.
Remind yourself: “It’s safe to disappoint someone and still be loved.”
Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!
3. Redefine What “Nice” Really Means.
True kindness doesn’t mean neglecting yourself.
Being genuinely kind includes honesty, transparency, and respect for both parties.
You can say:
“I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now.”
“Thank you for asking, but that doesn’t work for me.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I need to rest.”
Kindness with boundaries is more sustainable and more real.
4. Reconnect with Your Own Desires.
When you’ve spent years tuning into others, you may forget what you like, want, or believe. Start asking simple questions:
- What gives me energy?
- What do I miss doing?
- What feels forced vs. fulfilling?
Rediscovering yourself is an act of quiet rebellion.
5. Practice Self-Compassion Daily.
When guilt creeps in, remind yourself gently:
“I’m learning something new. It’s okay to protect my peace.”
You don’t have to be perfect at boundaries. You just have to start honouring yourself one decision at a time.
Healing the Inner People Pleaser
Breaking free from people pleasing isn’t about changing your personality. It’s about healing your relationship with fear.
You’ll begin to notice that:
- You don’t need to earn love by overgiving.
- You can survive someone’s disappointment.
- Your worth doesn’t depend on approval. It’s innate.
Over time, your “yes” will start to feel lighter, more genuine. You’ll say it because you want to, not because you have to.
And when that happens, you’ll notice a quiet peace returning to your life. The kind that comes not from being liked, but from being real.
If you’ve spent years pleasing others, please be kind to yourself as you unlearn it. This pattern was your protection once. It kept you safe. It helped you navigate complicated people and unpredictable emotions.
Now, you don’t need it in the same way.
Now, safety can come from honesty, not compliance.
Your voice, your needs, your truth, they deserve space.
You don’t have to shrink to make others comfortable.
Say yes when it’s real. Say no when it’s honest.
Because you deserve relationships that don’t require you to disappear.
If you’re looking for a therapist in Kota Damansara or Ipoh area, you can click here for more information.
If you enjoyed reading this, why not broaden your knowledge by learning about "Anxious Attachment: Why You Love Hard, Worry More, and Struggle to Let Go"? You can read the blog here.
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