Authenticity: Helping Your Child Discover Their Real Self

Authenticity: Helping Your Child Discover Their Real Self

Written by Jenefa Anthony  KB 11780

Every parent wants their child to be happy. But happiness isn’t just about good grades, friends, or achievements. It runs deeper. True well-being comes when a child knows who they are and feels safe being that person. That’s what authenticity means.

What Does "Authenticity" Mean?

Authenticity is when thoughts, feelings, and behaviours align. It’s when you’re not pretending or performing. In kids, this can look like expressing their real emotions, sharing their interests without fear of judgment, and feeling accepted whether they’re loud or quiet, sporty or artsy, bubbly or shy, no matter what.

Harvard psychologist Dr. Nancy McWilliams describes authenticity as a “core sense of self,” a feeling that your internal world makes sense and that it’s okay to be you. When kids don’t feel they can be real, they may become anxious, depressed, or disconnected (McWilliams, 1994).

So, how do we help children become their authentic selves? It starts with creating the right environment.

Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!

1. Create Safety, Not Perfection

Kids don’t thrive when things are perfect. They thrive when they feel safe. Safe to mess up. Safe to feel big emotions. Safe to explore.

Psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the pioneers of humanistic psychology, believed that unconditional positive regard, with acts of loving and accepting someone no matter what is the foundation of personal growth (Rogers, 1951). When kids feel that kind of acceptance, they’re more likely to trust their instincts and explore who they are.

But this doesn’t mean letting kids run wild. It means giving them clear boundaries and emotional safety. A child can hear “No, you can’t do that” and still feel secure if the tone is warm and respectful. Discipline works best when it protects the relationship rather than punishing the child’s core self.

2. Help Them Name Their Feelings

Authenticity can't be achieved if kids don’t know what they’re feeling. In fact, many don’t because they haven’t been taught.

Teaching emotional literacy is a game-changer. Start simple. Name feelings when they show up. For example, “You seem frustrated that your tower fell”, or “It looks like you’re proud of that drawing.”

Research shows that labelling emotions accurately helps kids regulate those emotions and reduces outbursts, anxiety, and even physical illness (Frydenberg, 2020). It also strengthens their sense of self. When a child says, “I’m nervous,” instead of just melting down, they’re stepping into their own experience instead of running from it.

3. Watch for Performance Pressure

There’s a fine line between supporting your child’s success and turning them into a product. If kids believe their worth depends on achievements, they may start to perform rather than express.

Psychologist Dr. Brené Brown warns against what she calls “hustling for worthiness”. When kids get the message that love and approval are tied to perfect grades, clean rooms, or nonstop smiles, they learn to wear a mask (Brown, 2010).

Signs your child may be stuck in performance mode:

·  They panic over small failures

·  They say what they think you want to hear

·  They constantly compare themselves to others

·  They shut down when they can’t be “the best”

To counter this, praise the process, not just the results. Say things like “You worked really hard on that project,” instead of only, “You’re so smart.” Let them see that effort, curiosity, and persistence matter more than perfection.

Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!

4. Validate Individuality

When children are born, they come with unique temperaments. Some are cautious, others are daring. Some like solitude, and others need constant connection. These traits aren’t flaws to fix but rather clues to who your child is.

Research by Thomas and Chess (1977) on temperament showed that children’s basic personality styles are present from infancy. When parents work with their child’s temperament instead of against it, kids are more likely to flourish.

That means honouring a shy child’s need for time to warm up rather than pushing them to be more outgoing. Or encouraging a high-energy kid to channel that energy constructively instead of demanding they “sit still.”

Support their quirks. Give them freedom to explore interests that are not what you would pick. Maybe you dreamed of a soccer star, but your kid loves coding or painting. Let that be okay.

5. Model Realness

You can’t raise "authenticity" in a child while being fake yourself. Kids are sharp. They notice when your words don’t match your mood or when you pretend everything’s fine when it’s not.

This doesn’t mean dumping adult problems on your child. It means being real about your own humanity. Say things like:

·  “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a break.”

·  “I made a mistake earlier, and I want to fix it.”

·  “I was nervous about that too when I was your age.”

Modelling this kind of openness teaches kids that it’s normal to have emotions, to mess up, and to still be lovable. It gives them permission to be human.

6. Encourage Autonomy

Let kids make age-appropriate choices. This builds confidence and a sense of ownership over their lives.

The Self-Determination Theory, developed by psychologists Deci and Ryan (1985), found that autonomy is one of the three psychological needs essential for motivation and mental health. When kids feel they have some control, they’re more likely to stay connected to their real selves.

Let your child choose between two shirts. Let them decide how to decorate their room. Ask for their opinion when making family decisions. These small actions build a strong inner compass.

7. Handle Mistakes with Compassion

When kids screw up, which they will, how you respond matters.

If a child thinks they’re only lovable when they’re good, they’ll hide their flaws or become perfectionists. But if they learn that mistakes are part of learning, they’re more likely to own them, learn from them, and stay connected to their authentic self.

Use mistakes as moments to teach and reconnect. Try:

•       “How do you want to do it differently next time?”

•       “Everyone messes up. What matters is how we make it right.”

•       “Thanks for telling the truth – that takes courage.”

This approach builds a secure attachment, which research shows leads to better emotional regulation, self-esteem, and resilience (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Bowlby, 1989).

Reminder: If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental health issues, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at Soul Mechanics KD or Soul Mechanics Ipoh. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength!

8. Don’t Rush the Journey

Figuring out who you are doesn’t happen overnight. Kids aren’t fixed blueprints. They’re constantly evolving.

Your role is to stay curious, not controlling. Try asking “who are you becoming?” instead of “who should you be?”

Teenagers, especially, need space to experiment with identity. Let them try different styles, hobbies, and beliefs without fear of ridicule. These phases aren’t distractions; they’re the work of self-discovery.

Final Thought: Be the Mirror, Not the Mold

Your child doesn’t need you to mould them into something. They need you to reflect back who they already are with acceptance, curiosity, and love.

Helping your child discover their authenticity isn’t about creating a “perfect” human. It’s about helping them feel safe being real, messy, growing, and beautifully unique.

In a world that constantly tells kids to fit in, you can be the one who helps them stand tall in who they truly are.

If you’re looking for a therapist in Kota Damansara or Ipoh area, you can click here for more information.

If you enjoyed reading this, why not broaden the horizon of knowledge by learning about "Inner Child Crying For Help?"? You can read the blog here.

For more content related to mental health do follow us on our official Instagram.