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How Childhood Emotional Neglect Affects Adult Anxiety and Depression

Written By: Thiviyah Ravichandran, Clinical Psychologist (MAHPC(CP)00620),

Many people grow up believing they had a “normal” or “fine” childhood. There was no obvious abuse, no major chaos, no dramatic conflict. And yet, as adults, they quietly struggle with anxiety, emotional emptiness, or a deep sense of sadness they can’t fully explain.

They often appear high-functioning. Responsible. Caring. Independent.

But inside, there may be:

• A constant feeling of pressure
• Difficulty relaxing
• A lingering sense of isolation, even when surrounded by others

For many adults in Malaysia, this emotional experience is rooted in childhood emotional neglect an experience that often goes unnoticed because nothing terrible seemed to happen, yet something essential was missing.

Not harm.
But a lack of emotional presence.

How Childhood Emotional Neglect Leads to Adult Anxiety and Depression

Childhood emotional neglect does not always come from unkind or malicious parents. In many cases, caregivers loved their children deeply but did not know how to respond emotionally often due to their own trauma, cultural expectations, stress, or survival pressures.

Emotional neglect occurs when a child’s inner world is unseen or unsupported, such as when:

• Emotions were dismissed or minimized
• Sadness, fear, or anger were discouraged
• Vulnerability was treated as weakness
• “Being strong” was praised over emotional honesty
• Achievements mattered more than emotional connection

It can sound like:

• “Stop crying. There’s nothing to be upset about.”
• “You’re fine. Don’t make a fuss.”
• “Be grateful. Other kids have it worse.”

Or sometimes, it sounded like nothing at all.

No one noticed when you were hurting.

The child adapts not by acting out, but by turning inward. They learn that:

• Their feelings are inconvenient
• Their needs are burdensome
• Comfort is something they must provide for themselves

This doesn’t stay as a memory.

It becomes a way of being.

How Emotional Neglect Shapes the Nervous System

Children don’t stop needing emotional connection when it isn’t available. Instead, they stop expressing the need.

Over time, they may learn to:

• Withdraw instead of reaching out
• Please others rather than risk disappointment
• Stay “strong” instead of vulnerable
• Avoid conflict at all costs

Externally, they may appear resilient and capable.

Internally, their nervous system remains in a subtle state of tension constantly managing emotions alone, constantly monitoring themselves, constantly holding everything together.

This long-term emotional self-containment can later express itself as:

• Anxiety
• Chronic worry or tension
• Emotional numbness
• Depression
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• A sense of emptiness or disconnection

Not because something went wrong.

But because support was never available where it mattered most.

Childhood Emotional Neglect in the Malaysian Context

In Malaysia, emotional neglect is often unintentional and culturally reinforced. Many adults grew up learning to prioritise endurance, gratitude, and responsibility over emotional expression.

Children were encouraged to stay strong, not complain, and cope quietly especially during periods of academic pressure, financial stress, or multigenerational family expectations. While these values foster resilience, they can also unintentionally teach children to suppress emotional needs.

As adults, this may show up as high achievement on the outside, paired with anxiety, emotional disconnection, or low mood on the inside.

How Childhood Emotional Neglect Causes Anxiety in Adults

Adults who experienced emotional neglect often describe anxiety as something familiar rather than sudden. Not an occasional reaction, but a lifelong state.

It may show up as:

• Fear of burdening others
• Difficulty asking for help
• Perfectionism or over-responsibility
• Feeling on edge without knowing why
• Discomfort when life slows down or feels calm

Growing up without emotional attunement meant learning to manage big emotions alone. That internal self-management becomes habitual.

The anxiety does not come from weakness.

It comes from living too long without emotional support or co-regulation.

The nervous system learned:

• “I must handle everything alone.”
• “I cannot depend on others emotionally.”
• “If I have needs, I will be disappointed.”

That belief becomes anxiety in adulthood especially in relationships, leadership roles, or moments of vulnerability.

How Childhood Emotional Neglect Leads to Adult Depression

Depression in emotionally neglected adults is often quiet and internal rather than outwardly visible.

It may feel like:

• Emotional numbness
• Lack of motivation
• Difficulty experiencing joy or fulfilment
• Deep loneliness even around loved ones
• A sense that “something is missing”

This is not laziness or ingratitude.

It is what happens when emotional needs go unmet for long periods of time. Eventually, the psyche protects itself by shutting feelings down altogether.

The child learns:

“If no one can meet my emotional needs, it’s safer not to feel them.”

That emotional shutdown can later look like depression not because the person is broken, but because they adapted to emotional absence.

The Hidden Impact on Self-Worth

Emotional neglect rarely leaves visible scars, but it often leaves quiet beliefs such as:

• “My feelings don’t matter.”
• “Other people deserve care more than I do.”
• “I shouldn’t inconvenience anyone.”
• “Needing support makes me weak.”

Adults may become:

• Caregivers rather than receivers
• Dependable but emotionally distant
• Highly capable yet deeply self-critical

They may thrive professionally, yet struggle to feel truly seen in relationships.

Self-worth becomes tied to performance, productivity, and responsibility rather than the simple truth that one is worthy by existing.

In therapy settings across our country, this pattern is commonly seen in high-functioning adults who appear “fine” while quietly carrying anxiety or depression rooted in early emotional neglect.

How Emotional Neglect Affects Adult Relationships

Adults who grew up with emotional neglect often want closeness, yet find intimacy challenging because it feels unfamiliar.

Common experiences include:

• Difficulty expressing needs or emotions
• Discomfort relying on others
• Guilt for needing reassurance
• Withdrawing during emotional conflict
• Appearing strong and independent while feeling alone inside

Partners may misinterpret this as distance or disinterest, when in reality, the person never learned how to safely receive emotional support.

They didn’t avoid connection.

They learned to survive without it.

Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect

Healing does not involve blaming parents or reliving the past. It begins with gently acknowledging one important truth:

You needed emotional presence and it wasn’t available.

Naming this is not accusation.

It is clarity.

Therapeutic healing often focuses on:

• Reconnecting with one’s emotional world
• Learning to recognise and name feelings
• Developing self-compassion
• Rebuilding trust in relational safety
• Allowing vulnerability in safe spaces

Sometimes healing starts quietly, with awareness:

• “I carry things alone.”
• “I find it hard to ask for help.”
• “My emotions were never nurtured, and that affected me.”

These realizations are not blame.

They are permission.

Relearning Emotional Connection

Recovery from emotional neglect is slow, intentional, and deeply human.

It may include:

• Sitting with emotions instead of dismissing them
• Allowing others to support or comfort you
• Practicing gentleness rather than self-criticism
• Recognizing that needs do not equal weakness

For many, therapy provides what was once missing a space where emotions are welcomed, witnessed, and held with care.

Over time, the nervous system learns:

• “It is safe to feel.”
• “It is safe to be supported.”
• “My emotions have value.”

And with that, anxiety softens.

Depression begins to lift.

Therapy Support in Kuala Lumpur, Petaling Jaya & Ipoh

If childhood emotional neglect resonates with you, therapy can help you understand how these early experiences shaped your anxiety, depression, or relationship patterns.

At Soul Mechanics Therapy, we support individuals and couples across Kuala Lumpur, Petaling Jaya, and Ipoh, offering a safe and compassionate space to explore emotional neglect and begin rebuilding emotional connection at a pace that feels right for you.

Healing is not about fixing yourself.
It is about finally offering yourself the emotional presence you always deserved.

Note: This article is for educational purposes and does not replace personalised mental health care.

If you enjoyed reading this, why not broaden your knowledge by learning about "High-Functioning Depression Signs: When Success Feels Empty"? You can read the blog here.

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